If You're a Parent and You Know It, Clap Your Hands

As surely as auto-correct will make you look like a blabbering idiot on Facebook, parenthood is bound to have its ups and downs.  Here are some tricks I've learned to stay semi-sane.  (Awesome changed to 'Aerosmith'?  Medicine to 'for a boy'?  Really, auto-correct?  Really??)

 

1.  If you call it oatmeal, they will all turn up their noses in disgust.  If you call it goat-meal and make up a story about how much this baby goat loves it, they will eat it happily and request it for breakfast.  "Can I have some goatmeal please?"

 

2.  If your kids don't seem to be drinking enough water, fill up your cup about halfway and ask if anyone wants a drink.  They all will want to, because it's YOUR cup.  The first kid will guzzle it all up because they want to get more than the other kids.  Fill it up halfway again.  The same thing will happen to the second kid.  Fill it up halfway again.  The third kid will also guzzle it up, because they will feel they have to get as much as the other kids.  Think in your mind, "I got you, you greedy little piggies.  I got you."

 

3.  When the kids are fighting, threaten them with this, "Ok, fine.  I guess you can't play together anymore."  They will discover their undying sibling love and beg you to reconsider.

 

4.  If you want them to wake up from a nap, go lie down to take one for yourself.

 

5.  If they ask where meat, eggs, cheese, milk, etc comes from, and you tell them the truth...they will not believe you.  No matter how much you try to teach them, they do not believe you.  The correct answer will always be, "from the store."

 

6.  In August, it is acceptable to them when you say, "Wow, that would be fun.  Let's remember to ask Santa for that for Christmas."  In January, it is acceptable to say, "Wow, that would be fun.  Let's remember that for your birthday in a couple months."  They have no concept of time....and that is awesome.

 

7.  If you want their help cleaning something, tell them they can't do it.  Want the windows cleaned?  Tell them it's a special job that you have to do.  The next time when you ask them to do it?  It will be like Christmas arrived early.  The same applies to sweeping, mopping, feeding the baby, etc.  Someday they will say I manipulated them.  And I will laugh my maniacal little laugh and nod.